Fair Fighting Rules for Couples

Disagreements are always going to happen within couples. Sometimes if feels like we really need a referee to get us through some conflicts! It’s important to work through these situations in a healthy way to make sure each person is heard and understood. Here are some Fair Fighting guidelines you can use to make sure that the next argument ends up in resolutions.

1. Identify why you are feeling upset and what emotions you are having.
2. Pick one topic to discuss instead of bringing up different ones at the same time.
3. Focus more on the present moment instead of bringing things up from the past.
4. Do not call each other names or be degrading. Also, keeping your voices at a calm and low tone. No yelling!
5. Use words to express yourself and focus on “I-statements” where you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
6. Don’t overgeneralize such as “You ALWAYS do this”, “You NEVER do this”.
7. Take turns speaking. If this is difficult, use a timer or pass an object to take turns. This has been something that has worked in couples sessions for me!
8. Don’t refuse to speak which is called “stonewalling”. Essentially putting up a wall between you and your partner.
9. Take a time-out BUT have a time limit when you can come back and continue the discussion.
10. Come to an agreement or compromise in the end or at least see the other person’s perspective.

What rules do you make to get through arguments with your partner in a healthy way? Comment below!

Check out my post on the THINK skill for more tips on maintaining a healthy relationship!

Using Imagery to Find Peace and Reduce Stress

Have you ever been stressed out and imagined yourself relaxing on an empty beach in the warm sun with no cares in the world? Maybe it’s an all-inclusive resort with all food and activities included! Now I’m getting ahead of myself…

Using imagery is an easy way to think of a person, place, or time that brings you peace, happiness, and joy. This can be an imagined future scenario or something in the past. It’s important to use all of your senses to visualize what will help to deescalate difficult emotions in the moment. This is a perfect tool for your coping skills tool kit to use anytime you are feeling stressed be it work, home, or out and about.

Once you think of that peaceful and safe place, situation, or person, really get into the details of it through your 5 senses. What the temperature there? What can you smell or taste? What kind of sounds would you hear? How do you feel in that moment?

A skill I like to use with imagery or visualization is imagining all of your stressors and stressful thoughts being put into a box, taped up, and put on the shelf. This isn’t ignoring your problems, but giving yourself a break until you feel calm enough to attend to those issues. I’ll go more into how to use visualization for difficult thoughts in future blog posts!

Improve your Relationships with THINK

Interpersonal skills are part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and a great way to work on improving relationships, developing healthy communication, and ending conflicts and arguments. The THINK skill breaks this down and can be used during difficult situations in relationships with co-workers, friends, family, and acquaintances.

T – Think: Take a step back from the situation that you are in. Visualize the situation on a television screen and take an objective stance on it. Don’t bring emotions into this step!

H – Have Empathy: Think about the other person and put yourselves in their shoes. What are they thinking, feelings, need, or want? What is their perspective on the situation?

I – Interpretation: What are the reasons for the person’s behavior? Start with unrealistic interpretations and move to more realistic ones. Even be silly with it until you can get to the more realistic reason. Maybe they aren’t answering your calls because they were abducted by aliens! Or maybe a more realistic reason is because they are in a business meeting.

N – Notice: Keep an eye on body language, facial expressions, and whether the person is trying to stop or continue the conflict. Is the person showing that they care and are trying to make things better?

K – Kindness: Be kind and direct. It is okay to take a break from the conversation and continue later when everyone is calmer.

Try this skill on the following scenario: Your friend does not text you back for days. Your reaction may be anger or disappointment. Take a step back from the situation and put yourself in your friend’s shoes. Are they struggling with something lately? What is a realistic reason that they are not returning your texts? Notice how they have been acting recently and interpret this in a kind way when confronting the situation. Using this skill on a scenario like this will help you to improve your relationship with your friend and increase your use of empathy and understanding.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) is a great tool for reducing tension in your body and mind. By tensing and relaxing muscles, you are signaling to your brain feelings of relaxation. You can focus on the present moment and work on body awareness. This can be done by following a script or watching a video to start and then it can come more naturally. This is a skill that can be done at home or even at work if you are feeling tension.

Warning: Do not overextend yourself or do anything that could cause pain. Do this skill with caution if you have preexisting physical health conditions. Consult your doctor if you have concerns.

Here is a visual to help you get started:

Here is a PMR script to follow:

• hands (make fists)
• arms (make fists and tense your forearms, biceps and triceps)
• shoulders (raise shoulders up as high as possible)
• forehead (wrinkle your forehead, lowering eyebrows)
• eyelids (shut them tightly)
• face (scrunch up nose and raise lips and cheeks)
• tongue and mouth (distort muscles around mouth, push tongue against roof of mouth)
• neck (push chin down toward chest)
• chest (take deep breath and hold it)
• back (arch your back)
• stomach (tense abdominal muscles)
• buttocks/glutes (squeeze together)
• thighs (tense quads and hamstrings)
• calves (point toes downward)
• ankles and feet (curl toes, heels out)

Here is one of my favorite and go-to PMR videos!

Finding Meaning in Suffering

Life can be hard and have difficult moments. Our perspective on a situation can change the way we feel about it and ourselves. Do we want to have shorter pain or longer suffering? This depends partly on how we view and react to a situation. Can we use the lemons life gave us to make lemonade? This is an interesting concept that can help you change your perspective to change your emotional state.

We are not denying that things are hard. We validate our experiences as challenging. We are simply trying to make it easier on ourselves. Tell yourself that you are doing your best and look for what hope you can grab onto.

Here is an exercise we worked on in my group:

Act the Opposite!

When we feel emotions like anger, anxiety, and sadness, our instincts will tell us to act a certain way. For example, when you are feeling depressed you may want to isolate yourself and be alone (different than me-time which is enjoying healthy time alone). It may be tempting to stay in bed and sleep the day away. Opposite to Emotion Action is a skill used to fight against those initial responses that are actually damaging.

First, recognize the emotion that you are feeling. Try using this emotion wheel to identify specifically how you are feeling in the moment.

Next, identify the action urge or your initial idea for how you want to react to the emotion. For example, if you are angry you may want to yell or punch something at first. Your instinct could be “fight or flight”.

Reflect on if the action urge matches the FACTS of the situation. Will the action actually help the situation or make it worse?

If the action urge does NOT fit the fact, do the opposite action until your emotions change.

Here are some examples of Opposite to Emotion Action that we completed in group:

How do you “act the opposite” when faced with difficult emotions? Comment below!

It’s Opposite Day!

When we feel emotions like anger, anxiety, and sadness, our instincts will tell us to act a certain way. For example, when you are feeling depressed you may want to isolate yourself and be alone (different than me-time which is enjoying healthy time alone). It may be tempting to stay in bed and sleep the day away. Opposite to Emotion Action is a skill used to fight against those initial responses that are actually damaging.

First, recognize the emotion that you are feeling. Try using this emotion wheel to identify specifically how you are feeling in the moment.

Next, identify the action urge or your initial idea for how you want to react to the emotion. For example, if you are angry you may want to yell or punch something at first. Your instinct could be “fight or flight”.

Reflect on if the action urge matches the FACTS of the situation. Will the action actually help the situation or make it worse?

If the action urge does NOT fit the fact, do the opposite action until your emotions change.

Here are some examples of Opposite to Emotion Action that we completed in group:

How do you “act the opposite” when faced with difficult emotions? Comment below!

Let’s Talk about Positive Affirmations

Affirmations are positive and present tense statements that a person declares to be true about themselves. They are used to create better habits and improve experiences.

By practicing affirmations, a person can change their behaviors, health, mood, and thinking patterns.

Benefits of Affirmations

-Decrease stress and worrying

-Increase physical activity

-Cope better with everyday challenges

-Increase hopefulness

-Build self-esteem & confidence

-Reduce depression

Here is a study that shows how positive affirmations can effect reward centers in the brain leading to objectively achieved behavior changes!

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4814782/

When do I use affirmations?

You can use affirmations in any situation where you’d like to see a positive change take place in your life. This might include when you want to:

• Before an important event to help raise your confidence
• Lower difficult emotions like anger and anxiety
• Increase your self-esteem
• Find the motivation to work towards goals
• Quit a habit that is negatively effecting your life

How to use affirmations

-Repeat them throughout the day using slow, relaxing breaths

-Write them down on post-its and leave around your home

-Try an affirmation app on your phone

Comment your favorite affirmation to use!

Grow your Self-Care Garden

Self-care isn’t just about getting into a bubble bath with a face mask on. It is about being intentional about taking care of all aspects of your health, be it physical, mental, social, and emotional.

Here are some self-care examples:

Physical – Sleep, drinking enough water, regular exercise, physical therapy if needed, going outside for fresh air, stretching, deep breathing, meditation/yoga

Emotional – Lowering stress, being grateful, journaling, me-time, doing hobbies, laughing, smiling

Mental – Reading, putting down technology (digital detoxes!), setting goals, meditating, telling yourself positive affirmations (more information on this in future blog!)

Social – Time with friends and family, being present and mindful in the moment

Health – Less sugar and caffeine, vitamins, taking medication as prescribed, healthy foods, doctor check-ups, hygiene, exercise

An exercise we did in my group one week was to build a “Self-Care Garden”. This consisted of the seeds you want to plant (positive self-care that we are keeping), weeds we want to eliminate (harmful practices and habits), and what we want to grow (what to add in the future).

Seeds What are we keeping? -sleeping well -going outside -exercise -drinking water -eating healthy foods -deep breathing -mindfulness

Weeds What don’t we want to keep? -Not sleeping or eating well -drama -toxic relationships -junk food -caffeine -not sleeping

Plants What do we want to improve? -more energy -more happiness -feel healthier -better confidence -better relationships

Our Self-Care Garden Chart

Here is a picture of our self-care garden!

Now that you have planted your garden, set an intention for self-care one day this week. Comment your intention for this week!